Additives

Driving home from work at 4am is both wonderful and mildly strange all at the same time. Basically, there is no one else on the road – but your perception and thought processes are completely ridiculous.

For instance, a cigarette butt discarded out of the window of a semi truck going about 70mph hits my windshield and hesitates, rolling about trapped by an air pocket, before flying off to finish its death. The thought going through my mind was not about how the inconsiderate driver was littering, it was more pondering the bad things put in cigarettes to make them really bad.

Of course, I realize in general just about every ingredient in a cigarette is bad, once used for medicinal purposes, it now assists retarded elderly in their own demise by mixing poorly with pure oxygen – but I’m thinking about the actual poison that human beings put in their own tobacco to make it...actually, I am not entirely sure what Arsenic is in Cigarettes for. To make sure people know they’re killing themselves? ’Cause its not working. Or is it for flavor? Does arsenic have some untapped flavor that human beings crave enough to die for? Maybe thats how we discovered its poisonous nature – but really, what is that additive there to accomplish?

Now I can start thinking about additives that are there for a purpose, albeit poorly thought out, the most common being the ever-trendy-never-long-term weight loss, where you add Olestra to your potato chips (which are fried in this oil substitute) to produce anal leakage. (According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, the actual warning label stated: "This Product Contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools." Where do I sign up?)

I’ve also heard a few little snippets about a diet sugar substitute that may cause cancer (the same type of sweetener that caused the lab rat cancer warnings on the side of the pink fake-sugar packets at Village Inn) The ingredient is called Aspartame, which in many diet sodas is delivered in massive quantities, over eight times the recommended max amount. I believe the technical term here is an Overdose, which can have you hospitalized for some fun detox.

How about aesthetic purposes? Food dye Red 2, banned in the 1940’s, which really serves no other purpose than to make your food - are you ready for it? Red. It’s a poisonous color dye that caused cancer even in relatively low doses. Did nothing to preserve food, add flavor, substance, or energy – it just made food a pleasant shade of...red?

Otherwise, on a more general note, why does my Fast Food burger leak grease all over when I hold it at a certain angle? Does the extra grease really make things that much cheaper for the company? Haven't they been sued enough?

Don’t, on any level, think I’m going the "All natural" route, straight fruits and veggies, normal cows, no additives whatsoever, because I’m not. You like your baseball players hopped up on steroids, and I want my hamburger meat to have the same brain damaging treatment. Canned fruits/vegetables make great meals when you're broke, even if they aren't real fruits or vegetables. But why all the unnecessary add-ons?

We add things to food to make them "healthier" in the sense that they could make you thin-ish (take a fen-phen before dinner and you're up for some Pulmonary Hypertension - but hey, dead people are thinner, or you can leak all the substance out of your....oh, I’m not finishing that) but then, as a society, turn around and process food with extra amounts of fat, grease, or actual food substitutes? Surprise! Those French fries have nothing to do with potatoes or France at all!

At this point I’m petty sure the FDA is a running government joke to make the people of the country feel semi-safe about stuff they eat. Really that sugar substitute is powdered Speed/Meth, and the cancer came from sticking your head in an altered microwave and turning it on, then immediately forgetting about it because whats left of your brain was going too fast to notice.

And lastly, why haven’t I developed Super-powers from the amount of inhuman garbage in my food? I should at least be able to fly by now.

Now imagine me, only drinking arsenic for flavor.