A lesson in retail

Over the 2007-2008 holidays, I was forced back into the full-time retailing world in a somewhat violent, and messy fashion - which actually put me in a position to notice and reflect on things I may have missed or not cared about before, probably because I was in a general state of learning the first time.

For instance, people try very hard to be so horribly clever it becomes painful for those of us subjected to it. No, you're not the first person to say "if it doesn't scan, it must be free, right?" or "no bag, save a plastic tree!" or make some snide ridiculous comment about my name being the same as that natural disaster that massacred the south. - (long name rant omitted to maintain possible interest in the rest of this subject) -

Customer service people are required to ask you stupid questions, especially regarding any company exclusive deal – such as a membership card, or a credit card. They don't want to ask you, they don't actually care if you save money, they're forced to (not to mention, if you do have one, and forget until you're ready to leave, they have to start all over to give you your savings.) So answering in a bitchy attitude, or saying "No, and No" before even saying "Hi" at the registers is just obnoxious, and horribly rude.

"Would you like a bag?" is not usually asked in German, so it should not take you 10 minutes to process, and 3 minutes to decide on. Yes, or No (Ja, or Nein for those speaking actual German) would suffice.

Get off your fucking phone.

It's not the end of the world if a store doesn't have what you want. You will not run out of oxygen without your Wii, your food supply will still be there if you can't buy that book, and your child will not turn into a sociopath and kill the dog because they have to wait for a toy. Want, and Need are things people rarely seem to know the difference between.

When you're asked if you would like a gift receipt, it really isn't that funny to say "Nah, they'll like it, they'll have to like it! (insert stupid laugh here)" especially when you buy a tacky $4 clearance item. Again, a simple Yes, or No would do just fine.

When a cashier is forced to check the validity of your $50 or $100 bill, it is not helpful to say "Hur, hur, straight off the presses" or "It'd better be real, I got it from the bank." They have to check, because so many people are dishonest - but they certainly don't actually enjoy waving around pieces of paper they could be shot for. Nor turning you away while you shout obscenely if you happen to have a very large fake bill.

The customer is rarely right. Respect your retail employees - its not their fault you had a bad day, or are, by nature, a jerk. Raised voices, rude comments, violent gestures, item throwing, and obnoxious name calling in any other situation, would be offenses where the police or a restraining order should be involved. Is it ever really worth it to behave like that in public, anyway?

Comparing an employee to the entire franchise of their competitor is obnoxious. They don't care if insert-store-name-here's membership is free, the benefits are usually different. You don't need to announce to them that you'd rather shop at insert-store-name-here's store, because they have faster service (see; quality of service.) They probably don't care what their own store does, let alone anyone else's - its retail, how often does minimum wage help you care?

Now imagine me, only with a name tag that says "kick me" in German.