Disney

Looking at how people turn out as adults, it's generally safe to assume some things about their childhood – the same can be said with me. Though, I didn't have a creepy neighbor, horrible friends, or a very strange family; so who or what do I blame for how I turned out? The answer is simple, Disney.

We've all heard the rumors of dirty words written in the clouds in Aladdin, or the obscene art in The Little Mermaid - what I see, are the best hidden messages right out in the open. You can look at the songs, or themes in many of the Disney movies to see something politically incorrect, mildly obscene, or just downright twisted.

A good place to start would be the 1940's cartoon, Pinocchio - giving us our first exposure to illegal underage behavior. The moral presented here is alcohol and cigarettes turn you into an Ass. No really, Pinocchio is turned into a donkey while smoking and drinking, after he was abducted by gypsies, after he decided to skip school. Ignore your conscience and end up a small pack animal, especially true if your conscience is a cricket wearing a waistcoat and shoes.

Just a few years later, there are other drug/alcohol references with fewer consequences. Alice in Wonderland has a talking caterpillar smoking opium, who is a bad influence by suggesting Alice eat a mushroom to grow or shrink. That's Heroin and Shrooms, for those keeping track.

Dumbo has one massive alcohol trip featuring Pink Elephants on parade. The baby elephant gets into tubs of beer/wine that the circus clowns were drinking, and dreams up pink elephants that are formed by his drunken trunk-bubbles. The pink hallucinations also happen to have the creepiest theme song ever. Speaking of Dumbo, what about the Crows singing about flying elephants?

Disney instills strange ideas, such as the general idea that anyone who happens to be ugly is evil; or your prince charming in many cases will not have a distinguished face, making him barely exist with no personality to boot, which is what love really is.

The bad guy cat in Cinderella is named Lucifer. I guess it could be okay, as the mice mostly pronounced it something like "Ruthify" which doesn't sound nearly as religious. If that's not evil to you, though, you could spend an afternoon hunting down a pack of puppies for fur coats in 101 Dalmatians.

Lumière of Beauty and the Beast was kind of a dirty…uh…candelabra in his own way. When he's supposed to be guarding Belles door, to make sure she didn't sneak out or do anything funny, he's away from his post – violently making out with the feather duster, Babette. On the subject of promiscuity, Tramp of Lady and the Tramp has his own man-whore theme song – and his name is “Tramp.”

The Lion King starts off with the song Circle of Life, with the following lyrics: "More to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done." Basically, you're not gonna get to do everything you want, or see everything you want, you'll die first - set to lovely upbeat music. On the opposite end of the spectrum, "Be Prepared" is an actual murder plot, set to haunting fun music, complete with humorous hyena chorus.

One of my favorites would have to be "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from The Little Mermaid. The evil sea witch, Ursula, spins a tale of how woman should behave, convincing young Ariel to give up her voice in exchange for legs to be a human. I believe the lyrics are;

"The men up there don't like a lot of blabber/
They think a girl who gossips is a bore!(also hear; Whore, for the PG-13 audience)/
Yet on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word/
And after all dear, what is idle babble for?/
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation/
True gentlemen avoid it when they can/
But they dote and swoon and fawn/
On a lady who's withdrawn/
It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man"

I think the purple octopus woman is trying to tell us women should be seen, not heard. Big talk, coming from an octopus woman that sings about being silent.

There is also the evil propaganda song from Beauty and the Beast, used to rile up a mob. Freshly heartbroken pretty-boy Gaston is brainwashing the village to be afraid of something he has no idea about (or is jealous of, sucker.) Giving us yet another murder plot;

"Say a prayer, then we're there
At the drawbridge of a castle
And there's something truly terrible inside
It's a beast! He's got fangs
Razor sharp ones!
Massive paws, killer claws for the feast
Hear him roar! See him foam!
But we're not coming home 'til he's dead--
Good and dead!
Kill the Beast!"

Do I even need to add anything about Bambi? Even the rain song about April showers gives me the chills, no one should have good memories of Bambi. I was also going to add Mary Poppins, but that whole movie would have made the list.

The morals of the stories are; wolves are always sneaky and evil, ugly woman are jealous and will take you out at the knees, out-staged greedy men will try to kill you, your prince charming will have no soul, anything good in your life will follow something generally traumatizing, beasts are often better than pretty boys, cheetahs never prosper, and always listen to the talking animals or inanimate objects in your life.

After massive doses of prozac they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Now, for the disclaimer;

Most, if not all, of these themes are really beyond the general comprehension of most kids anyway. Honestly, the only part of Cinderella I'd remembered from my childhood was the King jumping on the bed with a sword, and thinking he shouldn't have been jumping on the bed, paying no mind to the sharpened weapon or his temper. Also, I am anti-censorship, and this is all in good fun.

Now, Imagine me as a happy walking, talking Xbox.