Gum

**Disclaimer: Of all of my goofy blogs, on goofy topics, this is the least serious, for now. Wrigley's, please don't sue me.**

Thus far, the "Mixed-Bag" has taken people on an adventures ranging from Aliens, to Motorcycles, to Video Games. Now, let me take a backward turn in left field, and present to you a writeup on gum - thats right, chewing gum, to exhibit just how random the mixed-bag can be.

You ask why? Because it's in the script.



Wrigley's gum, the innovative company that brought us "Doublemint" gum and those epic commercials, has recently introduced a new line of "Extra Fruit Sensations" gum. Currently in four flavors; Strawberry Banana, Berry Pearadise, Sweet Watermelon, and Island Coolers (which was unavailable for testing) – I have had the opportunity to test three of these flavors, and these are my thoughts.

Sweet Watermelon; This is the only form of watermelon flavored candy/gum that I have ever found overpowering. Generally watermelon is a sedate flavor, just sweet enough - whereas this gum is what I would imagine chewing on a Watermelon scratch-and-sniff sticker while snorting a crushed watermelon Jolly Rancher would be like, insane. This, however, lasted the longest of all the flavors, and after a few minutes was even tolerable.

Strawberry Banana; One word. Delicious. This one started out strong Strawberry, but only for a few seconds. The flavors seemed layered, first Strawberry, then both, then the subtle end of Banana to extend the life of the gum. I'd call this one the very middle of the road of the flavors, just right.

Berry Pearadise; I would imagine the “pearadise” is spelled that way, because there is supposed to be pear flavoring somewhere in the mix – however, Berry overpowers pear, but the name is clever enough. As far as quality, this gum I would call the boring one. The flavor was alright, but it didn't last very long. The mush of berry tends to get boring quickly anyway.

Each flavor was very pop-able, and the elasticity was consistent for over 30 minutes of vigorous chew/pop combinations. Even after the flavor was gone, none of the gum turned into tough rubber.

I do have one word of caution for anyone trying this at home; it is not a good idea to try all these flavors and this much gum in one brief sitting. The side effects include; headache, nausea, giggles, and instant tooth decay. I wonder if the last wine in a wine tasting row always gets the best marks, or if patrons pace themselves better.

I dedicate this writeup to any poor fool who has had the unfortunate task of taste-testing any type of candy. Especially Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans.

Now imagine me, only drunk on Watermelon chewing gum.

Dating in Two Parts

Part I: Superheroes and the Disney Complex.

As a child, everyone has strange absurd fantasies about growing up to be successful and marry the most beautiful people – who, by the time you're old enough to be married, will be old and decrepit.

The majority of people get completely ruined by life before they even get a second to reminisce about these good old days - of wanting to marry the guy from Charles in Charge (he can be in charge of me any day, rowr) or for the guys, doing horrible things to Cheetara. I, however, remain undeterred!

My first memorable crushes were as follows; Donatello of the Ninja Turtles, Egon of Ghostbusters, and Beast of The X-men (closely followed by Nightcrawler. I like blue) in the delicate single-digit ages.


I have "grown up" clinging to as many of my hopes and dreams as possible, maybe changing hands a few times, but still equally absurd. My biggest all-star crush for the past several years would have to be certain incarnations of Spider-man (see: not movie version). There are reasons for this, but I think it's best to leave this as one of those "you wouldn't understand" moments.



There are others along the way, but I digress – and get somewhat to the point.

Why I can psychologically blame Disney and Pop Culture for my failed relationships

Starting kids off on the right foot, Disney has allegedly given girls the expectation that the "right guy" is really a man riding a horse in armor while looking as attractive as humanly possible showing up at just the right second (and breathe....) to rescue you from some great evil happy ending something something, and exhale.

I now apply this theory to that of my Superhero/pop-culture lus...I mean love. I have been exposed to cartoons, bad 80's movies, and television from a very early age. Clinging to things like Ghostbusters and the Ninja Turtles, I connected with the geekier side of the pop-culture world. I even eventually became enthralled by the success of general nerdisms.

How does this relate to the Disney theory? Well, so far, none of my significant others has sprouted wings, swung from webs, lived in the sewers (though, one may have made a weekend home in one...Shhh, don't tell him I said that) had laser beam eyes, or any super-smart abilities. What a disappointment, right?

Well, the way I look at it, one of two things clearly needs to happen;
1.Human beings develop superpowers or stop being so human.
2.I plant my feet firmly in reality.

Basically, the latter will never happen - so to any prospective boyfriends, if there is a radioactive spider, or gamma radiated snake in the bed – IT WASN'T ME!

Part II: My Theory, Why First Dates are like Job Interviews.

You're expected to dress above and beyond what you would normally wear.

You're expected to show up on time. Too early and you're desperate, too late and you're not interested.

Your first impression will be what determines the follow-up phone call.

If you do succeed, there is a fairly high chance you will be miserable the rest of your life.

You're required to (try to) pass yourself off as a decent human being, whether you are or not, leading to a lot of disappointment of bosses and significant others alike, down the road.

There is a certain etiquette that is expected – proper eye contact, guy pays, complimentary hug, shake hands.



Yea, so this may be stretching it a bit, but maybe this is why the job market is so miserable. People are generally expected to do these things in both situations; spend extra time getting ready to look nicer than usual, lie about the things they like, laugh at stupid jokes, smile even if they're miserable, shake hands, whatever.

Now imagine me, only starting a kissing booth in Gotham City.

Devil May Cry 4 - Xbox 360

I personally find there are things in life that can be amazing if approached from the right angle. In the case of Devil May Cry 4, the right angle would be; It really can't be taken seriously, so you can laugh to yourself while you rev your sword like a motorcycle. Vroom Vroom.

When I think of 2 hours worth of cut scenes, cheesy dialog, and manly men trying to prove how manly they really are – I would immediately think of Metal Gear Solid, and the la-le-lu-le-lo. This time, however, I've been playing the fully interactive Anime of Devil May Cry, complete with Vash the Stampede voice actor Johnny Yong Bosch as the dashing lead smart-ass, Nero.

With this being similar to just about any Anime-styled game, there is an aspect of exaggeration, especially in the sword department. Nero's sword, the Red Queen is unique not just by exaggerated size – this sword also has a “fuel injection system,” and Nero will turn the handle quickly to give it a revving boost. If other Anime characters are compensating for size, he's compensating for performance as well.


Rev my sword baby, do it.

Aside from the revving sword, Nero also has an added demon power that is his right arm. This power will have what looks like a spirit of Nero's hand leave his body to grab objects, enemies, or even propel him across areas in some cases. Something like “Go-Go-Gadget Spirit-Grappling-Hook-Hand!” Aside from the ability to grab, you also absorb powers, and even the Yamoto sword into the Devil Bringer hand. Eventually you'll even unlock Nero's full demon power, making him a lot of fun to throw at any enemy – or throw any enemy, as the voice acted response to slamming something into the ground is: “SLAM DUNK!”


You could almost imagine being Scorpion all over again, “Get over here!”

Nero's double-barreled six-shooter (The Blue Rose) seems to only be there because Dante had guns, but isn't really as useful as the Devil Bringer arm, or his sword.

Basically, the fighting style is still a lot of fun - beating things senseless, then throwing them at a wall, then shooting them in the face and watching them explode into red and green glowing orbs is wholly amusing. Amusing is good, because besides the ridiculously long and cheesy cut-scenes (I wasn't kidding about the 2 full hours of them) this pretty much makes up the game.

I am getting a little tired of watching games though. I personally related with how ZeroPunctuation's Ben Crowshaw put it; It was like they were worried I was going to cramp their style. And its true, a lot of the cut-scenes would/should be perfectly playable. Especially considering the in-game graphics are so close anymore - the entire game feels like a pretty, playable, cut-scene anyway.

As for the rest of it, you'll spend a lot of time getting turned around while running too fast because of fixed camera angles – which added atmosphere in the slower moving Resident Evil games, but they just add frustration when you're a speedy-demon-guy. As well as starting over in certain areas if you screw a puzzle up, all of the enemies come back to delay you, presumably to extend the actual gameplay hours.

The “secret missions,” which can be found by watching Nero's demon hand blink like a homing beacon, almost always have to be revisited after you unlock some power you don't have when you first find the secret areas. I guess this is another of Capcom's tricks to extend the gameplay...

You eventually unlock Dante, and get to use him as a main character – only he gets starting equipment and powers, so you'll have to spend a lot of time building up his abilities before he can be nearly as satisfying as Nero. I guess you could look at this part of it as getting a second game out of the deal – double the amount of cheese, doublemint gum.

Aside from wearing Chaps, too many buckles, and bad boot-covers in this installment, Dante will throw a little bit of tango cheesiness your way;

And otherwise carry over the “Lets rock, baby” feel of the original. Even the pause menu gives you a taste of the over-the-top metal music, completing the general package.

To sum up; if you like obnoxious cheesiness and appreciated the original, this game is definitely worth picking up since the price drop, if for no other reason than to rev your sword at some random enemies.

Now imagine me, only saying “vroom vroom” any time I do anything.

A Night on the Town

“Bar crawling” is something I never thought I'd find myself doing; going from bar to bar on foot, getting progressively drunker down the line. I did, however, have my first bar crawling experience recently in Boulder – home of one of the big party schools in Colorado, though I can't say I got drunk enough to forget it.

The first bar we went to was pretty quiet, since it was still early in the evening, but still had quite a few people tilting and stumbling as they walked. A pair of these, two college guys - football players by the look of them, approached me before I'd even made it to the bar for my first drink. The shorter of the two, walked up to me, leaning closer than he would have without the assistance of alcohol, and goes “Hey...what's your name?” To which I responded, as anyone would, with my name. He instantly scoffed and said “Eugh, never mind.” As though merely my name offended him?

I returned to the area where my group was standing with a new drink in hand, apparently in the wake of the short football guy, who had asked the people I was with; “Is Katrina always that rude?” And after figuring out both halves of the story, we all decided he was way drunker than he needed to be, and laughed about it while throwing darts vaguely at a wall.


Well, we didn't quite get down the actual rules, but I can safely say this is yet another sport that alcohol improves.

At one point in this particular bar, I went to the restroom, and it was a sight to behold. First, there was graffiti everywhere stating things in English, and drunklish – and the part that got me, was someone had gone through these writings and corrected a lot of them in red pen. Another thing that caught my attention, was the handles on the toilets were backward, facing the bowl instead of the wall. It took a moment, as the alcohol was sinking in, but I eventually deduced the handles were backwards for easier vomit-flushing – clever bar-bathroom design, must be a college town.


The red corrections didn't show up with the flash, but this one did...Not quite as drastic as the red marker, but still amusing.

The next part of my part of the story takes place in what I would imagine was a pseudo-dance club? I'm not sure exactly, only it had loud music and what looked like a dance floor on one side of the room, and a pool table area on the other, which is where we parked. This bar had the most interesting people, and I'm glad I'm not one to get drunk enough to forget them.

First, the area we were standing in had a small room behind glass near us, what was presumably a smoking room when smoking was still permitted in bars – where two guys were sitting, tapping on the glass at us. I'm sure they thought they were being clever, but communicating through solid glass is difficult, especially with loud music, and they slightly resembled caged, drunk, zoo animals.

While playing pool, ignoring the glass-guys, there was one particular guy that was interested in our game. Now, I must describe this guy, because that's probably the best part. He wore a Hawaiian shirt, with khaki shorts, and hiking boots, and had the hair, face, and build of Rick Astley in his prime – leaving me mentally Rickrolling myself in a bar.

He was drunk beyond anything I have ever been, and the proof of this was in his attention span. He changed topics or wandered off every few words, and every time I responded or asked a question he'd disappear, then come immediately back.

He was sporting two different drinks for whatever reason, maybe he forgot he had one in each hand. But as he was talking, he would move his hands, spilling alcoholic beverage all over his legs, the floor, other people, and his shoes. Another bar-patron directed his attention to the fact that he was raining, and the following few moments reflected his spilling;

“What will they think of me in Salt Lake City? Showing up with my shoes all wet.” he shakes his head “They're brand new, too! Oh well,” then he leans closer to me, and arranges his face to appear deadly serious “They're waterproof.” And he nods to me, reassuringly, before wandering off to spill his drinks on other patrons.

On the car-ride home, after much fun was had, and we recapped much of the night, one more fun quote was shared. Earlier in the night, I had ordered fries from one of the bars, and they arrived covered in entirely too much salt, and equally as much Pepper. I was very disappointed in this, and really just wanted to stop someplace to get normal Fries on the way back, when it was mentioned that the apartment we were going to had pasta.

The passenger in the front seat leaned back to me and said; "Well, pasta is kinda fries." which I, and everyone else, laughed at - much harder than was probably necessary, and that is the important part. By the time I got home, I had an arm-full of writing just in case I forgot anything (though, upon reading it, most of it was illegible anyway,) and my first bar-crawling experience under my belt.

Now imagine me, only writing "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down" on the bathroom walls.

Spider-man; Web of Shadows

First impression based on 2 short videos and my own wishful thinking.


After seeing this video on xbox live, I have to say I was tingly in my nether region. Spider-man video games have been alright thus far - excluding Friend or Foe, not sure what they were going for there...

But, as far as other-media-based* games go, they haven't really been that bad - Spider-man 3 could have used a little less button-sequencing for every cut scene, but on the whole, not bad, considering.

Ultimate Spider-man was definitely an interesting approach to the series in the video game world, giving you the feel of actually playing the comic book with its stylized art and intriguing gameplay. I would even go so far as to say Spider-man 2 was a decent, fun game. Free-roaming Spider-man, set loose in New York city to do missions, websling to your hearts content, all without necessarily following the storyline of the movie too precisely. Also, narration by Bruce Campbell doesn't hurt any.

It really seems like the comic book franchises are getting their dirty little hands in just about everything now - at least it seems like they're really upping the stakes, now. Assuming they get the voice acting, writing, and story down, this game actually seems like it might be doing a few things right. The second video I watched, a teaser trailer, hints at multiple endings, and various choices to decide the outcome instead of an otherwise linear storyline. This seems to be all the rage with a lot of games, and usually works out alright, as long as they actually give you options like they promise.

This one may be short one order of Bruce Campbell, but if they can break away from the movie story lines and unleash Spider-man in his own, I will be more than happy to don the Spider-suit on behalf of my favorite superhero and lay down some hours on this one. I'm normally one to hold off on something until I've actually experienced it. But, I am holding my breath for this one, almost as much as the upcoming Ghostbusters game. My geek is showing.

Now, imagine me only using entirely too many -'s for one blog.

*referring to (terrible) movies, the Ultimate Spider-man series, and a few things that seem to be borrowed from the '90's cartoon.

The Simpsons Game (xbox 360 version)

Approximately one year ago, The Simpsons hit the big screen with its full length movie premier, bluntly mocking viewers for paying $10(on average) to watch something that is otherwise free. The video game release followed shortly after, mocking fans silently with its full $60 price tag. The movie was hilarious and met its $10 ticket quota, but the game didn't quite meet it's hefty price.

About one year later, the movie has been pirated and shared, the series is back on Television, and the video game price has dropped to a manageable $20. For $20, I'd say any fan of video games and/or The Simpsons is insane for not owning, or at least playing this Action/adventure gem. Also, if you have the choice, the Wii version of this game was terrible – trying to incorporate a little wii-waggle which didn't work so well.

First; the good points.

All of the TV voice actors are present to deliver their lines as you progress through the game, giving a nice feeling of authenticity as Snake passes you in the street complaining that Apu doesn't do any of the work when being robbed. The voice acting and writing had me laughing at things that, outside of the Simpsons universe, shouldn't be funny. Even the cutscenes are animated, as the Simpsons were meant to be, putting everything nicely in its place to feel right at home.

The video-game mockery had me rolling several times, aside from the Comic Book Guy pointing out various video game clichés as you find them, you also hear the main characters break...some barrier, where they acknowledge they have “video game powers” and decide to use them to paint the town. You'll go through many different stages, all with a slightly different attitude, many familiar and true to the Simpsons' own worlds – imaginary or otherwise. You'll traverse a level that look like Homer's chocolate dream, the Springfield Museum, or Springfield forest, which has a slight semblance to Frogger.

You'll play as one of the 4.5 Simpsons family members, two-at-a-time on screen, optimizing the co-op mode, should you choose to utilize it. Each Simpson has different powers, but can ultimately wail on anything that moves with a generic punch attack, or individual special attack. There are upgrade items littered about if you keep an eye out for them, granting temporary strength, or speed increases.

The special video game powers are as follows; Homer will turn into a giant Homer-ball, able to smash things, or characters, and bowl himself up or around objects. Bart will don the disguise of Bartman, able to climb walls and glide to his destination if launched from the right height. Lisa will unleash her inner Buddha, while near a “buddha” statue, she will get a Hand of Buddha power, able to smash enemies and objects as well as complete puzzles. And lastly, Marge can rally mobs to do her bidding, or send off Maggie into tight spaces to solve puzzles.

Now for the not-so-good points.

The Simpsons are, and should always be, a cartoon. Throwing this art style into 3D had me wondering what I was looking at, and why it gave me the chills. If you walk at a certain angle, stylized eyes, or limbs seem to move in ways they really shouldn't. I suppose that isn't something too serious, but it is something that bothers me just enough to put it in here.

As with all action games, there is an established level of bad control, and wonky camera angles. I have personally been frustrated with games like Spyro, or Banjo-Kazooie, or Kameo - not for their difficulty or puzzles, but because when you jump forward, but end up to the far left, it pisses me off. This is basically the same thing. Seeing around corners is sometimes a challenge, as is keeping the camera looking where you want it to be. I don't know that there is any quick-fix way to solve this problem for any adventure game, it just takes some adjusting and anger management classes.

The primary storyline isn't really clear, I suppose it would be the ultimate goal of getting your hands on the Grand Theft Scratchy that Bart was after, but really – it's an extended collaboration of various episodes thrown together, all to make fun of video games. But if that doesn't bother you, as the Simpsons show rarely follows a set storyline or path, have at 'em.

Basically, I'd say this is a games for fans of; The Simpsons, video games, and adult fans of the action/adventure genre in general. If anything, the achievement points make it worth while, but really, it's a lot of stupid fun for a relatively affordable price.

Now imagine me, only whistling while painting the roses yellow.

Drunk and Crazy; Condemned 2: Bloodshot

You wake up one day, and suddenly your name is Ethan Thomas, and you've been completely remodeled since your last video game appearance. Instead of being a respected FBI agent, you're an alcoholic bum. Instead of being a strangely shaped man with a tiny head, you're clothing isn't poorly layered and you are otherwise proportionate...and mean.

You're not exactly the FBI punching bag you were the first time around, this time they're looking for your help, which gives you a few more options on the character interaction front. Besides the multiple options when examining a crime scene, you're given the option to respond to general dialog – usually aggressively, but the option is there none the less. It's not much, but anything to make video games feel like you're the one playing them is welcome to me.

Almost everything that could have been upgraded from the last game, has been. The forensics tools are much more in depth - at least for the first half of the game, as are the actual investigations. You're given multiple choices as to how to respond to each situation;

-How did the victim die? Find gunshot entry or exit wounds, or stab wounds on the body, as well blood splatter on walls and floors to piece together how they were attacked.

-Were they attacked where they lay, or were they moved – was the movement because they crawled away, walked away, or were they dragged?

You're given a score based on how you handle each individual death, and so far – I've done pretty well for a drunk.

The one thing I was wary of was the changed combat. I personally enjoyed the combat the first time around, and since it was harped on as being the primary change in the sequel, it made me nervous. The anxiety, however, was completely unwarranted. More weapons are available, more swinging (and throwing) options for each weapon, and every attack will be executed slightly different. Combo moves have been added to the fun, and the finishing moves have been upgraded to throwing maniacs into Televisions to watch them fry, into the edge of a wall to crack skulls, or use your imagination and watch the fireworks.

There is one aspect that appears to be relatively unchanged, and very deservedly so; the environments from the first game have transferred over nicely, leaving piles of rubble, dead animals, broken down buildings, and the eerie atmosphere fully intact and ready to give you the chills for a second run. Mirrors, however, have been used more actively in the gameplay (rather than cut scenes only) to give you a jolt when a maniac sneaks up behind you, having me mildly afraid of my own bathroom mirror.

You're given a few things to keep you busy while following the path to wherever it is you're headed - such as destroying "sonic emitters" which make people crazy, and meth labs, which...make people crazy. I wasn't impressed with the storyline, but being the calm before the storm (wide-open ending suggests a sequel already in progress) I will wait for said sequel to judge fully.

Also, there's a rabid bear. What's not to love about a rabid bear?

Take a dash of change, some good old familiarity, a few abnormal murders, and the concoction is volatile but enjoyable.

Now, imagine me, only drinking too much and ridding the world of crazy while being a crazy myself.

Additives

Driving home from work at 4am is both wonderful and mildly strange all at the same time. Basically, there is no one else on the road – but your perception and thought processes are completely ridiculous.

For instance, a cigarette butt discarded out of the window of a semi truck going about 70mph hits my windshield and hesitates, rolling about trapped by an air pocket, before flying off to finish its death. The thought going through my mind was not about how the inconsiderate driver was littering, it was more pondering the bad things put in cigarettes to make them really bad.

Of course, I realize in general just about every ingredient in a cigarette is bad, once used for medicinal purposes, it now assists retarded elderly in their own demise by mixing poorly with pure oxygen – but I’m thinking about the actual poison that human beings put in their own tobacco to make it...actually, I am not entirely sure what Arsenic is in Cigarettes for. To make sure people know they’re killing themselves? ’Cause its not working. Or is it for flavor? Does arsenic have some untapped flavor that human beings crave enough to die for? Maybe thats how we discovered its poisonous nature – but really, what is that additive there to accomplish?

Now I can start thinking about additives that are there for a purpose, albeit poorly thought out, the most common being the ever-trendy-never-long-term weight loss, where you add Olestra to your potato chips (which are fried in this oil substitute) to produce anal leakage. (According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, the actual warning label stated: "This Product Contains Olestra. Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools." Where do I sign up?)

I’ve also heard a few little snippets about a diet sugar substitute that may cause cancer (the same type of sweetener that caused the lab rat cancer warnings on the side of the pink fake-sugar packets at Village Inn) The ingredient is called Aspartame, which in many diet sodas is delivered in massive quantities, over eight times the recommended max amount. I believe the technical term here is an Overdose, which can have you hospitalized for some fun detox.

How about aesthetic purposes? Food dye Red 2, banned in the 1940’s, which really serves no other purpose than to make your food - are you ready for it? Red. It’s a poisonous color dye that caused cancer even in relatively low doses. Did nothing to preserve food, add flavor, substance, or energy – it just made food a pleasant shade of...red?

Otherwise, on a more general note, why does my Fast Food burger leak grease all over when I hold it at a certain angle? Does the extra grease really make things that much cheaper for the company? Haven't they been sued enough?

Don’t, on any level, think I’m going the "All natural" route, straight fruits and veggies, normal cows, no additives whatsoever, because I’m not. You like your baseball players hopped up on steroids, and I want my hamburger meat to have the same brain damaging treatment. Canned fruits/vegetables make great meals when you're broke, even if they aren't real fruits or vegetables. But why all the unnecessary add-ons?

We add things to food to make them "healthier" in the sense that they could make you thin-ish (take a fen-phen before dinner and you're up for some Pulmonary Hypertension - but hey, dead people are thinner, or you can leak all the substance out of your....oh, I’m not finishing that) but then, as a society, turn around and process food with extra amounts of fat, grease, or actual food substitutes? Surprise! Those French fries have nothing to do with potatoes or France at all!

At this point I’m petty sure the FDA is a running government joke to make the people of the country feel semi-safe about stuff they eat. Really that sugar substitute is powdered Speed/Meth, and the cancer came from sticking your head in an altered microwave and turning it on, then immediately forgetting about it because whats left of your brain was going too fast to notice.

And lastly, why haven’t I developed Super-powers from the amount of inhuman garbage in my food? I should at least be able to fly by now.

Now imagine me, only drinking arsenic for flavor.

A lesson in retail

Over the 2007-2008 holidays, I was forced back into the full-time retailing world in a somewhat violent, and messy fashion - which actually put me in a position to notice and reflect on things I may have missed or not cared about before, probably because I was in a general state of learning the first time.

For instance, people try very hard to be so horribly clever it becomes painful for those of us subjected to it. No, you're not the first person to say "if it doesn't scan, it must be free, right?" or "no bag, save a plastic tree!" or make some snide ridiculous comment about my name being the same as that natural disaster that massacred the south. - (long name rant omitted to maintain possible interest in the rest of this subject) -

Customer service people are required to ask you stupid questions, especially regarding any company exclusive deal – such as a membership card, or a credit card. They don't want to ask you, they don't actually care if you save money, they're forced to (not to mention, if you do have one, and forget until you're ready to leave, they have to start all over to give you your savings.) So answering in a bitchy attitude, or saying "No, and No" before even saying "Hi" at the registers is just obnoxious, and horribly rude.

"Would you like a bag?" is not usually asked in German, so it should not take you 10 minutes to process, and 3 minutes to decide on. Yes, or No (Ja, or Nein for those speaking actual German) would suffice.

Get off your fucking phone.

It's not the end of the world if a store doesn't have what you want. You will not run out of oxygen without your Wii, your food supply will still be there if you can't buy that book, and your child will not turn into a sociopath and kill the dog because they have to wait for a toy. Want, and Need are things people rarely seem to know the difference between.

When you're asked if you would like a gift receipt, it really isn't that funny to say "Nah, they'll like it, they'll have to like it! (insert stupid laugh here)" especially when you buy a tacky $4 clearance item. Again, a simple Yes, or No would do just fine.

When a cashier is forced to check the validity of your $50 or $100 bill, it is not helpful to say "Hur, hur, straight off the presses" or "It'd better be real, I got it from the bank." They have to check, because so many people are dishonest - but they certainly don't actually enjoy waving around pieces of paper they could be shot for. Nor turning you away while you shout obscenely if you happen to have a very large fake bill.

The customer is rarely right. Respect your retail employees - its not their fault you had a bad day, or are, by nature, a jerk. Raised voices, rude comments, violent gestures, item throwing, and obnoxious name calling in any other situation, would be offenses where the police or a restraining order should be involved. Is it ever really worth it to behave like that in public, anyway?

Comparing an employee to the entire franchise of their competitor is obnoxious. They don't care if insert-store-name-here's membership is free, the benefits are usually different. You don't need to announce to them that you'd rather shop at insert-store-name-here's store, because they have faster service (see; quality of service.) They probably don't care what their own store does, let alone anyone else's - its retail, how often does minimum wage help you care?

Now imagine me, only with a name tag that says "kick me" in German.

British Humor and Made-up words.

First I would like to explain why Monty Python (specifically, in Holy Grail form) turned me away from British humor, assisted greatly by the fanboys/girls of the series.

The word spam, aside from being a food-like substance that feeds the poor, was otherwise created to describe a form of joke – one that is incessant and has a tendency to run itself into the ground before anyone even finishes it, started by the Monty Python television show. Thus, it is not funny at all to incessantly quote something that is already intended to be annoying and overdone. Spam e-mails were derived from this form of skit, and no one ever finds them amusing (except for the first time you get an e-mail prescribing Viagra for your dog.)

Basically, saying “it's just a flesh wound” in a very poor fake-British accent, is not funny. I tell you this story, because for years I refused to watch, or participate, in any event related to Monty Python or British comedy because of the fanboys verbally 'spamming' me.

After liberating myself from groups of those fans that would hang around my job, or unfortunately worked there – I have learned to appreciate the other, better, forms of British Humor. One of them, being Red Dwarf.

To sum up, Red Dwarf was an 80's sci-fi comedy made on the budget of approximately $26.32 (American - with inflation and exchange rate, I'm not sure what the running rate would have been in £'s,) featuring the last human being alive, an uptight hologram, a quirky computer, and a mutated cat-human. Follow their adventures, something something, its hilarious.

Anyway, Red Dwarf picked up a cult following in the last 2 decades, and its most recognizable contribution to its followers is the word smeg. Smeg is a “futuristic” swear word, generically four-letters long to represent every swear word they couldn't put on Television.

This may be crossing the fangirl boundary, but I purchased the license plate for my motorcycle yesterday, and it randomly looks like this;



I was a little more excited about this than I am proud to admit – I gigglesnorted when the clerk handed me my new license plate. She looked at me like I probably shouldn't legally be allowed to drive or ride anything and hesitated letting go of it. In my defense, I have always been obsessed with plates from various states and countries, and what they say. I have never been one of those that had a cool abbreviation on mine, thats the only excuse I have.

Hopefully I can maintain composure, and not ever cross that line again, and no – I won't be replacing my swear words with “Smeg,” that would be going too far. I prefer the more subtle geek references.

Now, imagine me, only riding a motorcycle through space.