Disney

Looking at how people turn out as adults, it's generally safe to assume some things about their childhood – the same can be said with me. Though, I didn't have a creepy neighbor, horrible friends, or a very strange family; so who or what do I blame for how I turned out? The answer is simple, Disney.

We've all heard the rumors of dirty words written in the clouds in Aladdin, or the obscene art in The Little Mermaid - what I see, are the best hidden messages right out in the open. You can look at the songs, or themes in many of the Disney movies to see something politically incorrect, mildly obscene, or just downright twisted.

A good place to start would be the 1940's cartoon, Pinocchio - giving us our first exposure to illegal underage behavior. The moral presented here is alcohol and cigarettes turn you into an Ass. No really, Pinocchio is turned into a donkey while smoking and drinking, after he was abducted by gypsies, after he decided to skip school. Ignore your conscience and end up a small pack animal, especially true if your conscience is a cricket wearing a waistcoat and shoes.

Just a few years later, there are other drug/alcohol references with fewer consequences. Alice in Wonderland has a talking caterpillar smoking opium, who is a bad influence by suggesting Alice eat a mushroom to grow or shrink. That's Heroin and Shrooms, for those keeping track.

Dumbo has one massive alcohol trip featuring Pink Elephants on parade. The baby elephant gets into tubs of beer/wine that the circus clowns were drinking, and dreams up pink elephants that are formed by his drunken trunk-bubbles. The pink hallucinations also happen to have the creepiest theme song ever. Speaking of Dumbo, what about the Crows singing about flying elephants?

Disney instills strange ideas, such as the general idea that anyone who happens to be ugly is evil; or your prince charming in many cases will not have a distinguished face, making him barely exist with no personality to boot, which is what love really is.

The bad guy cat in Cinderella is named Lucifer. I guess it could be okay, as the mice mostly pronounced it something like "Ruthify" which doesn't sound nearly as religious. If that's not evil to you, though, you could spend an afternoon hunting down a pack of puppies for fur coats in 101 Dalmatians.

Lumière of Beauty and the Beast was kind of a dirty…uh…candelabra in his own way. When he's supposed to be guarding Belles door, to make sure she didn't sneak out or do anything funny, he's away from his post – violently making out with the feather duster, Babette. On the subject of promiscuity, Tramp of Lady and the Tramp has his own man-whore theme song – and his name is “Tramp.”

The Lion King starts off with the song Circle of Life, with the following lyrics: "More to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done." Basically, you're not gonna get to do everything you want, or see everything you want, you'll die first - set to lovely upbeat music. On the opposite end of the spectrum, "Be Prepared" is an actual murder plot, set to haunting fun music, complete with humorous hyena chorus.

One of my favorites would have to be "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from The Little Mermaid. The evil sea witch, Ursula, spins a tale of how woman should behave, convincing young Ariel to give up her voice in exchange for legs to be a human. I believe the lyrics are;

"The men up there don't like a lot of blabber/
They think a girl who gossips is a bore!(also hear; Whore, for the PG-13 audience)/
Yet on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word/
And after all dear, what is idle babble for?/
Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation/
True gentlemen avoid it when they can/
But they dote and swoon and fawn/
On a lady who's withdrawn/
It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man"

I think the purple octopus woman is trying to tell us women should be seen, not heard. Big talk, coming from an octopus woman that sings about being silent.

There is also the evil propaganda song from Beauty and the Beast, used to rile up a mob. Freshly heartbroken pretty-boy Gaston is brainwashing the village to be afraid of something he has no idea about (or is jealous of, sucker.) Giving us yet another murder plot;

"Say a prayer, then we're there
At the drawbridge of a castle
And there's something truly terrible inside
It's a beast! He's got fangs
Razor sharp ones!
Massive paws, killer claws for the feast
Hear him roar! See him foam!
But we're not coming home 'til he's dead--
Good and dead!
Kill the Beast!"

Do I even need to add anything about Bambi? Even the rain song about April showers gives me the chills, no one should have good memories of Bambi. I was also going to add Mary Poppins, but that whole movie would have made the list.

The morals of the stories are; wolves are always sneaky and evil, ugly woman are jealous and will take you out at the knees, out-staged greedy men will try to kill you, your prince charming will have no soul, anything good in your life will follow something generally traumatizing, beasts are often better than pretty boys, cheetahs never prosper, and always listen to the talking animals or inanimate objects in your life.

After massive doses of prozac they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Now, for the disclaimer;

Most, if not all, of these themes are really beyond the general comprehension of most kids anyway. Honestly, the only part of Cinderella I'd remembered from my childhood was the King jumping on the bed with a sword, and thinking he shouldn't have been jumping on the bed, paying no mind to the sharpened weapon or his temper. Also, I am anti-censorship, and this is all in good fun.

Now, Imagine me as a happy walking, talking Xbox.

Force Unleashed Demo

Star Wars has been a big deal in a lot of geeks lives for the better part of 30 years; crossing media streams from Movies to cartoons to video games and beyond. Some of these installments haven't been so pretty – or were pretty with absolutely no substance.

The last 3 official movies have made the majority of us think; Why do you hate us so? Even the latest cartoon release in theaters made me cringe...So its nice to finally see a break from that trend. The video games of the same name have been back and forth from great, to terrible and back again. Which brings us to the long anticipated Force Unleashed.

I am personally wary of alternate story lines that take place during the movie time lines - anything involving Luke, or Vader, or any of the other big movie names tend to bother me. So, when I'd heard this was following Darth Vaders secret apprentice, I was a bit worried.

My fears, however, were (so far) unwarranted. The way the story seems to play out so far is very good, Vader has only been seen as a mission director and leaves you to do your slaughtering, and you're ordered to kill everything, confirming that you are, indeed, a secret.

As for the gameplay, it's been a while since I've seen a good action/adventure Star Wars game – and this one makes the wait well worth it. The controls are very fluid, and the attacks are interesting and there is some variety in killing enemies; playing with your food, as it were. For instance; it is possible to hang an enemy in the air and decide whether or not you want to A)Throw your lightsaber at them, B)Force lightening them, or C) throw them into a wall (which leaves a nice dent I might add.)

Running, jumping, and exploring your own wreckage is something that always makes a game interesting to me. Destroying environments, breaking droids, and running around like a moron is a lot of fun this time around – I'm wondering what the full version will let me find when I break stuff, or how many achievements I get for denting the walls.

With the destructible environments, there are plenty of things to force grab and throw around. Bowling for soldiers has been entertaining me for the last 20 minutes, and I can see myself doing it for hours on end. You can even bowl for soldiers with other soldiers, doubling your pleasure – or something like that.

Many other attacks have been implemented in the game, ground slams from mid-air, force push to break open enemy lines and doors alike, and lightsaber deflection brings me closer to the Star Wars realm that I'd almost left behind because of this guy;


He really, truly does not light up my life.

As for the opening sequence; doesn't it seem like a really bad idea to knight someone using a lightsaber – I mean, aren't they supposed to be pretty toasty and burny?

Now, Imagine me, only using Jedi mind tricks to get free stuff.

Wii; Hardcore Accessories

If this guy isn't hardcore, I don't know what that word means.



Nintendo has picked up a bad rep in the past few years for it's apparent lack of 'Hardcore' games. Presumably meaning games like; Grand Theft Auto, where you clearly learn to shoot hookers and run over cops with a controller. Or something like Metal Gear Solid, where you'll infiltrate some government organization with the intention of exposing a top secret agenda. However, the one thing Nintendo has that no other system has done right, is the realistic accessories.

Using a controller to aim a gun isn't nearly the same thing as learning to use a toy gun to aim at a screen and execute head shots. Or drive over hookers with a realistic steering wheel rather than tilting a joystick. Wii has more hardcore capabilities than any other game system, and here's why;

The newest installment of the Mario Kart games features just the realistic looking steering wheel I mentioned. What is to keep kids from learning getaway driving using the motions of this controller accessory - learning to stay clear of every animated cow that will inevitably be in your path while fleeing the authorities?

Which is more likely to mimic the real motions of driving?



The Nintendo Light gun was an invention released on the NES system in 1984 to be used primarily with the game "Duck Hunt" where the goal was to aim a realistic looking gun at your TV screen to hit these helpless ducks.

This game misleads our youth into thinking your reputation is ruined if you're laughed at by some jerks smartass dog, if you don't successfully aim at, and shoot a poor unsuspecting duck.

The Wii has a few variations of this light gun, giving you the gangster style Perfect Shot, or the rifle style Wii Zapper. The Wii Zapper comes with Links Crossbow training, where I've become addicted to shooting goblins, winged creatures and perfecting my target shooting. I blame the original Nintendo for my desire to point a gun...I can now take on hordes of ducks and goblins alike without breaking a sweat.



The Wii Balance Board is a new accessory released with the very popular Wii Fit.



This poor cat had no idea what it was getting into when Halo3 was released. It wasn't until the Wii Fit balance board called this cat morbidly obese that things were set in motion. During his Halo days, this cat didn't think about anything but food and shooting noobs in the face. Now that Nintendo is involved, this cat is learning new tricks.

Because of the Wii Fit Balance Board, this cat can now run, jump, and move like a normal cat. Making it much easier to flee from authorities on foot, and the bitterness from being called fat...well, this cats life took a turn for crime. Now hired as an assassin at 1/3 his original size, he gets his revenge using the skills he learned from the Wii Zapper combined with his new Wii Fit body...things will get ugly.



Video games are supposed to be rated according to how dangerous they are. Mature ratings are stamped on games that have gore you create by using the controller. Yet games that teach you real, dangerous skills go completely unchecked.

See, Jack Thompson, this is how ridiculous you sound. As for anyone who took this seriously I have a 3 step program for you;

1.Go to the bathroom and locate your toothbrush, it doubles the effect if there is toothpaste on the brush.
2.grip said toothbrush firmly in your right hand.
3.now stab yourself in the left eye once for every time you honestly agreed with me.

Now imagine me, only robbing a bank with the original wii zapper all whack on the Scooby snacks.

Kids are people, too.

During my stint working retail I noticed something about kids that most adults seem to ignore. Actually, the thing about the kids, is the kids themselves. Many of the adults in the store would only pay attention to kids if they were to do something obnoxious, or rude. Even fellow employees would ignore anyone who wasn't quite tall enough to see over the counter.

Let's look at something that happened about one month ago, where I was wandering around a Wal-mart looking for something trivial, which really means I was standing in place staring at something shiny. As I'm zoned out, two kids walk behind me, and stop at a nearby fixture - a brother and sister, about 8 and 12 years old. They looked a little lost, but I didn't want to be that creepy person that harasses children.

It wasn't until I overheard the little boy say to his sister;

“We can't find anything, 'cuz people keep lying to us!”

That my retail senses started tingling. I approached the kids, who were wary of a strange adult with no name tag or uniform helping them – it took some reassuring, but eventually I got them to the items they needed; things their mother had asked them to get, like food ingredients, toothpaste and batteries. Kids are human beings as well, and it sounded like this pair had hit multiple strikes on the customer service side of things.

Why, exactly, is it so hard to take a child seriously? Does our society pound into our heads that we need to protect, shelter, and nurture kids to the point of treating them like they're completely helpless? Once I'd assured them I wasn't going to do anything dishonest, both of them were helpful in explaining what they were looking for, which most adults have a very hard time with. And I quote; “I'm looking for a book, and it's blue. No, that's all the information I wrote down.” Said the stupid woman to the customer service people.

My second encounter with something like this happened a few days ago, at a small arts and crafts store near my house. I was on the prowl, looking for yarn, which I've never purchased before – so I probably wandered around more than I would have normally. My timing at the register was synced up with a nasty woman who was almost dragging her curious little girl around the store. This mother acted like she was used to having her daughter on a harness and leash, but left it at home this time.

This little girl was adorable, probably no older than 4, she wasn't grabbing things – she just looked at pretty stuff; Beads, colored felt, paints. To me, this is a relatively normal, well behaved child. At the register, the little girl wanted to ask her mom what something was, so she politely tried to get her mothers attention, by quietly saying “mommy, whats that?”

The mom, who had been berating the cashier for five minutes about how little he knew about the store, was clearly irritated by the interruption. Her response to the quiet question was to forcefully grab the little girl by her arm and say “I told you not to interrupt me when I'm talking to real people.”

The cashiers jaw dropped, and the expression on his face was like he was reciting a ten step program - reminding himself it was illegal to beat snobby women in the head with a cash register. I now had the option to defend the cashier from the insults, or defend the little girl who hadn't done anything wrong.

I leaned forward and behind the woman, giving the cashier time to regain logical speech patterns, and said “That wasn't necessary” to the mother. She shot me a look that would have Medusa stone cold, and I smiled at her. When the mothers' attention had gone back to the cashier, I let the little girl show me the packet of colored, shaped foam that she wanted to ask about.

As the mother and daughter combo left, I overheard a much quieter “And you don't have to bother strangers, either” with no physical contact or anything else of the sort. I then apologized to the cashier for not standing up for him, when he said I'd made his day by saying anything at all.

I would call this a good example of creating an early learning handicap. If someone asks a question, and is met with an aggressive or negative response, what are the chances of them asking more questions? What about a small child, picking up and learning about the world around them, being put in their place by impatience? I don't mean to rant, but how can we blame children for the way they turn out, when something is clearly wrong with the development process on the adult level?

Now imagine me, only treating kids like real people.

Dos and Don'ts for Soul Calibur 5

Seeing as video game sequels don't seem to be going away anytime soon - while at the same time reviewing Soul Calibur 4,I have a few suggestions for its inevitable sequel.

Don't use Star Wars characters. This was, by far, the worst overshadowing of guest artists I've ever seen in a game. As characters were announced pre-release, it seemed like every headline included; “AND YODA!” or “AND VADER!” instead of the proper recognition of artists who contributed their own unique characters to the game.

Do keep the shield break gauge. Useful against those individuals (that use Maxi) who will guard until your fingers cramp up, so they can then retaliate when you're good and crippled.

Don't bother with storyline. Seriously, the story is about as interesting and profound as that of a Cinimax porno. I don't particularly care why we're here, fighting each other - Just get on with the abuse already!

Do continue to animate terrible grab moves. In Soul Calibur 2 (Gamecube version,) Link had a fun grab where he'd mount an enemies shoulders, then swing his sword like he's riding them. This time you get Yoda doing a front flip on an enemies chest, where it appears he lands - well, like this:


Most insulting smash ever...

Don't allow online players to use the same character consecutively - lock each character after it's used. This way, those that perfect one character and all their special moves are forced to change it up a bit. Once they've perfected them all, hopefully they've moved on, or at least taken a shower.

Do keep split screen. Elbowing a button mashing friend in the back of the head is the best way to sleep at night after getting frustrated enough to throw a $50 controller. So much of that friendly contact is lost in online gameplay.

Don't include characters from games that haven't been released yet. I feel having “The Apprentice” from Force Unleashed as a (cheap) Playable character will change that experience, and he hasn't even hit his own spotlight yet.

Do keep the character creation mode. So far, this is the part of the game I have invested the most time in. I've created my own fencing character, a few failed creations using Ivy's sword-whip, and other hideous random things at 5am or later. There are some interesting options, and I use the word "interesting" lightly.

Though, as you can see, costume options are a bit limited, leaving my Wicked Witch feeling somewhat incomplete. So add a few costume options, and we're good to go.




Customized weapons would be cool, too.

Don't skimp on the alternate play modes. Beating the crap out of things is fine, but wouldn't some Tekken Bowling spice things up? Or how about some Stadium action from Smash Bros.? They really couldn't come up with anything but variations on ladder modes?

Do continue to have alternate weapons for each character. Not that I was worried about this, but it sure does make me happy to have variety in my weapon choices. Though, I will say the costume choices need a bit of...improving. Please stop putting Taki in that hideous red thing.

Bring back weapon test videos. I almost felt like I could learn the art of fencing by watching Raphael show off his sweet moves - though it turned out I needed classes anyway, it was still cool to watch. Or maybe, I'm the only one that watched them. Either way, I'd like to see my custom characters showing off whatever weapon they happen to be wielding.

Now, imagine me, only wielding an axe at least four times my size and swinging it with ease.