Okay, this is my very first ever poem. It was written for my Creative writing class, and we were required to use certain words like "Lackadaisical" and "Unerring." I'd actually appreciate feedback on this, as I'm really going to fall on my face with the first half of this class if I don't figure out this poetry thing quickly.
Opponents face one another without delay
quickly saluted niceties start the commotion.
Moving like dancers the players move and sway
lackadaisical lunges invite hasty locomotion,
false attacks elicit flustered parries that betray
a players introspective skill.
One final touche to finish this action,
one has to react when the other goes in for the kill,
stress eviscerating both minds with rancor and frustration.
A shrill cry signals an unerring strike
one player overwhelmed, one sighs with elation
she’d expertly lashed out where he didn’t like
completing the mental game against a poor man called “Mike”
A few specific questions: Does it flow? Does it make sense? Etc.
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6 comments:
Moving like dancers the players move and sway
i wouldnt use move twice.
one has to react when the other goes in for the kill,
this line feels bulky
it helps to try and sing it, so you can get a better feel for the rhythm. try to match the number of syllables in each line for a better flow. (or in each rhyming pair anyway.)
the story does make sense because i know youre a fencer. however, dont feel the need to spell things out for people who wouldnt know that. poetry is better when its a bit aloof and open to interpretation.
I really like the imagery and it reads with a nice rhythm. I'm torn by the last two lines, part of me likes the rhyme; but because there's no other rhyme pattern in the poem, part of me feels they shouldn't rhyme. Generally I'm more familiar with experimental poetry forms, but I liked it.
(Okay... had to split this up since the forum wouldn't let me post more than 4,096 characters...)
Opponents face one another without delay
quickly saluted niceties start the commotion.
Moving like dancers the players move and sway
lackadaisical lunges invite hasty locomotion,
false attacks elicit flustered parries that betray
a players introspective skill.
(Rhymn pattern adds a strange flow to the poem as the first and third verse semi-rhymn, but the second and third don't. This is not a crucial point, as a poem does not have to rhymn or flow, just know it may throw off readers looking for a conventional, soothing flow. It sucks that you have to use lackadaisical, because that's a huge word and it stands out like a sore thumb. It's almost impossible to use without drawing attention to it. I even had to look it up to find out what it means! I learned something today, at least. :P Just personally, I don't like using the " 'A' is like 'B' " formula... I might've just called the "players", "dancers", and forced the reader to make the leap that I was calling them "dancers" metaphorically, but that's a matter of personal style. Also, the first thing that comes to mind when I think of "dancers" is "graceful", and you DO follow up by saying "the players move and sway", which dancers do... but then they make "hasty locomotion", and "flustered parries" which almost sound clumsy and ungraceful, it kinda souns contradictory. I dunno how obvious that is though, so it may be a moot point. Aside from the strange flow, there's really nothing wrong with this first segment per se.)
I like it, but I have to agree with Aaron on using move twice...
I do like it, who did you use as your reference....?
@Aaron/Darcy - The use of Move twice means I didn't save my final draft after printing it ;) It was supposed to be
"Moving like dancers, the players shift and sway"
Darcy,
But, mistakes are part of the process I suppose. My reference was me, and a poor guy at fencing who learned a very valuable lesson about sports and adequate protection.
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. For my first poem, I guess I'm not THAT disappointed with it. Just intimidated by an entirely new style of creativity I guess.
I'm confused as to why someone teaching you to be creative would make you use certain words.
I wouldn't say I'm the best judge of poetry, but I got a fairly solid image of what was happening without without being given any specifics. So I'd say you did fairly well.
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